Why Saying “Yes” When You Mean “No” Is Hurting Your Well-Being (and How to Stop People-Pleasing)

When ‘Yes’ Feels Easier Than ‘No’

How often do you say 'yes' because it feels easier than explaining why it's a no?

It might be frequently, and if it is, please know that you are in good company. I'll let you in on a secret - this is how I became a beaver and then cub scout leader for over 3 years. Now although there were some fun times and I got to spend time with some truly lovely people along the way (a definite positive), anyone who knows me well, knows that I am not very outdoorsy and camping is very much not my thing. A chair in the shade with a good book is my perfect outdoor activity!

Peaceful outdoor hammock scene representing balance, boundaries, and living authentically.

Becoming a beaver scout leader was not in my plan for life. At that time, my children were at primary school, my husband worked long hours, I was self-employed running my own business and life already felt like one big juggle. So why did I not just say no? Looking back, I realise that I wanted to be liked, fit in with the school mums, to not be seen as selfish and I know that I used to find saying no incredibly difficult. I said yes to avoid having a difficult conversation where I felt I was letting people down by saying - actually I don't want to or can't do this. My need to people please was greater than my awareness of my own needs at that time.

As I write this, we are approaching Authenticity Day on the 16th of August 2025. This day is a reminder to check in with ourselves. Are we living authentically according to our values and beliefs that we hold most dear, and pursuing our goals and dreams that stem from these? Or are we saying yes when we really mean no? People pleasing often leads us away from our authentic self, not because we are being fake, but because we have a need to feel safe and accepted.

The Real Reasons We Struggle to Say No

If you say yes, when you really mean no, you are not unusual. There are many different reasons why we say yes, when we don't mean it. Often these reasons are hidden to us -by that I mean they are often out of our own awareness. Examples include:

• We want to avoid conflict (perhaps you grew up in a household full of arguments?).

• We want to be liked (most humans have this need, but some of us may have been bullied at school or found it more difficult to make friends).

• We can feel responsible for the feelings of others.

• We have a fear of being seen as difficult or selfish.

  
  

The Hidden Costs of Inauthentic Yeses

Some of these reasons may stem from childhood, and it's important for you to know that if you are a 'people pleaser' - that this isn't a flaw- it's often a learned survival strategy that helped you to feel safe. However, inauthentic yeses come with a cost. The emotional impact can be that resentment builds, you can become overwhelmed and completely disconnected from your own needs. Resentment comes form a place of comparison. When we compare ourselves to others and feel resentment, it is often because there is something missing in our own lives. When saying yes to things we don't want to do, we can miss out on the things that we do want to do - the things that help us to feel fulfilled, happy and increase our overall well-being. The practical impact of inauthentic yeses is that we overcommit which can lead to burnout and letting our own priorities slip. We can sometimes forget altogether what is important to us and who our authentic self is. It might be useful to reflect when you next say yes to others, whether you are saying no to yourself.

Practical Tips for Saying No with Kindness

Authenticity is not about being abrupt. It's about being honest with yourself and others. We don't have to be blunt, rude or uncaring - we can still say no and be authentic in a kind, compassionate and gentle way. Small steps to giving authentic responses:

• Pause before answering. If you are someone that instinctively says yes, allow yourself a short pause of a few seconds before giving your reply.

• If you find it hard to say no, use phrases like 'let me think about that' to buy yourself more time.

• When you are about to give a false yes, notice your own bodily cues - do you feel tension or heaviness?

It can feel uncomfortable to start being more authentic and to say no. It can feel risky but with practise and consistency it's a bit like a muscle that gets stronger. And if you are scared of upsetting someone - remind yourself that the people who truly value you, will value your boundaries too.

A Gentle Action Step for Today

If you are someone who is feeling disconnected from their own needs, I have a gentle action step for you to try today:

• Choose one situation today to pause before giving a yes.

• Gently ask yourself - 'Is this something that I truly want to do, or am I afraid of disappointing someone?'

• Without judging yourself, quietly notice how that pause felt. If you like to journal, this might be something you choose to journal about.

Remember: Authenticity Is a Journey, Not a Destination

Remember, authenticity is not about perfection. Its about coming back to yourself - one choice at a time. Maybe you can view authenticity day as a an invitation to start your journey in a small way.

If you’ve found yourself saying “yes” when your heart is whispering “no,” you don’t have to keep navigating that alone. Counselling can give you the space, tools, and support to understand your patterns, strengthen your boundaries, and reconnect with your authentic self—without guilt.

Take that first gentle step toward a life that feels true to you. Reach out today and let’s explore what saying “yes” to yourself could look like.

joanne@joanneosheacounselling.co.uk  or telephone 07551 195435.

In person sessions near Sevenoaks, Kent. Online or telephone appointments are also available.